Granny's Garden - A rant.

Today I am going to have a rant.
No, not any comedy news about the game gear's porn playing capabilities or anything like that. Just some good old fashioned "letting-off-steam"

Following on from Batou's great post about the fantastic Granny's Garden, I longed to play the original again, just to see if it still turned my pants the same colour as a brown man's bottom. After endlessly searching for a rom of it without any luck I decided I'd send the original makers of the game, 4mation an email.

"Hi there,

I just wondered if you were selling the original version of Granny's Garden?
I loved playing this game as a kid and it would be great to give it another spin.
I know I definitely have a copy in the attic but it means fixing my broken BBC-B!

Even a rom would be great and I'd happily pay even a fiver just to play this game again.

Kind Regards..."

I offered them a fiver for a THIRTEEN YEAR OLD game that should really be freeware by now. I thought I was being generous but OH NO NO...

"DEAR MR BORDERS
WE CAN SUPPLY YOU WITH AN ORIGINAL COPY OF GRANNY'S GARDEN ON CD-ROM
WHICH DOES NOT REQUIRE AN EMULATOR AT A COST OF £14.98 THAT INCLUDES P&P AND
VAT.
IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO PURCHASE THIS WE JUST NEED TO TAKE PAYMENT EITHER BY
CREDIT CARD OR YOU CAN SEND A CHEQUE TO US AT THE ADDRESS BELOW.
WE LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON
REGARDS BARBARA"

FOURTEEN NINETY-EIGHT!?!?!! Well, first she typed ALL IN CAPITALS which put our relationship in a 'dangerous area' even at that early stage but THEN.. THEN FOURTEEN NINETY-EIGHT for a THIRTEEN YEAR OLD game!?!?!?!?! As Catherine Tate might say "What a fucking liberty."* I could buy the great Psychonauts on Steam for less than that!

Anyway. I got annoyed and sent them a reply bullshitting about being some journalist on a student magazine with no budget, doing a retro gaming section and it'd be good publicity for the newer version if they sent me a copy of the old version.

Unsurprisingly they never got back to me. Can anyone else think of any GREAT REPLIES to send to Barbara that could maybe ease the grasp that her money grabbing hands have around this wonderful game?

*This is a blatant attempt to appeal to the MASSES. Catherine Tate is a bit shit really. I know you think so too because the type of people that read footnotes are the type of people that would hate the Catherine Tate show. Good on you.

SEGA Palindrome No.2

So, did you have fun with yesterday's palindrome? Did you work it out? Well if you didn't (I don't think you got it did you?) I can now reveal the answer.

It was: "SEGA is selfless, I ages".

Ok I admit it's not a great palindrome, but don't worry, today's is even worse.

There is some Shakespearean-style word usage in this one, so it may help to pretend you're in the Sixteenth Century (I don't know, don't wash, pretend God is real and that porn hasn't been invented yet: repression fuels the palindrome centres of the mind).Now wrap your brains around that and tremble at my palindromic power.

And while you're waiting for the exciting answer: Emily's Sassy Lime.

SEGA Palindrome No.1

Hello and welcome to the exciting world of palindromes.

Every day for the next week* I will be posting a picture representing a SEGA palindrome, the following day I will post the solution. If you guess the palindrome before I post it then you will win a signed and hand-drawn version of the palindrome picture.

The first one is not too hard. Have a go.


While your puzzling that out why not check out some more palindromes:

"Peanuts' Legs" is Gel's Tuna EP.

*Every day that I can be bothered.

Princess Rinko's Steady Descent Into Porn, Day 5

It's no good. I can't keep up. I've done the maths on how many orgasms this whore owes us for persuading us to spend money on the Sega Ages series, and it's hopeless. The entire population of Cardiff would have to do an armbreaker over this picture for a whole fifty seven minutes just to make up for Sega System 16 Collection ALONE. If you have a heart, PLEASE SEXUALLY DEFILE THIS GIRL'S IMAGE NOW or I'm going to end up with a right arm comedically huger than the other that can punch through walls like Mean Angel out of Judge Dredd.


Which, now I've given it some thought, would actually be really cool.

ACTUAL cross platform gamers reflect on their PS3s.

Here is an excellent blog post by someone who clearly knows what's what. Not only does he seem to know about technology, but it appears he's more interested in the facts, not the hype and fanboyism.

He slates the PS3, also noting issues ive not heard before. Clearly he's one of very few people to set down $600 yet still have the balls to be critical. His brother also offers some thoughts.

Then we have the NY Times being openly critical of the PS3 and Sony.

This shit is set to continue, but it is quite clear that $ONY fanboys who have not, or refuse to, play with the Nintendo Wii and Xbox 360 will never realize just how mediocre Sony's offering is. That means they wont complain, it means that Sony will never fix their issues, and it means the gaming world might be in for a Playstation4 after all.

Conclusion: The PS3 is shit compared to the competition, but most young, male Sony fanboys will never know this. Just as the pretentious pricks shopping in Sony style will never stop to realize that their new TV has a Samsung display inside it.

*shudder*

Girl queues for PS3. Doesn't know why (First obligatory YouTube post)

I don't know why I haven't seen this already, but here's a video of an interview done with some woman who queued for a PS3 without knowing anything about it. Her reasoning being... other people were.

Also watch for when the female interviewer says "us girls don't really fit out here, what with all the gaming...". Nice to see a woman who knows her place...

Track sales of consoles like a dull, boring fanboy

Nexgenwars.com is a site that tracks the sales of the three next-gen consoles (Xbox360, PS3 and Wii, if you were wondering...) and presents them in constantly updated little banners for your achingly lifestyle MySpace pages.




Ultimate fanboy fodder? Probably.

Gaming non-news: Nintendo rep says something good about Wii launch

Some useless gaming sites have posted this as actually being newsworthy. I thought I'd post it to point out how NOT newsworty it.. is, or isn't. Or something.

Nintendo UK marketing director: “The success… was phenomenal and is very encouraging. Hundreds of people queued up to purchase a Wii and fans weren't disappointed by the atmosphere at New York’s Time Square Toys ‘R’ Us and Los Angeles' Universal City Walk’s Gamestop.”

You can see why she's marketing director.

Gaming non-news: Dead or Alive 5 announced

If you didn't think a fifth Dead or Alive game would be made, go away. Really. If you DID, then you don't need to read this article. But I'm going to post the quote anyway. Bloke from Team Ninja:

"I've already started writing the basics for DOA5." Itagaki commented. "I cannot talk about it but the opening scene has already be determined in my head."

Watch this space for inevitable first wank material/screenshots.

Nintendo is WINNING!!!?

Nintendo's WORLD DOMINATION plans are succeeding and we have cold, hard PROOF.

Those slit eyed gaming masters have been going on for a while now about 'expanding the audience' and 'breaking down the walls' and other such marketing speak. Today, I witnessed this first-hand and got a shitty-camera-phone-STEALTH-SHOT to prove it.


Yes! Even Gingers are now playing games as this copper-topped freak demonstrates. He's even playing Animal Crossing DS, a perfectly respectable game, none of your "Alex Rider: Stormbreaker" here. For years, Gingers haven't been allowed to buy anything games related for fear of tainting public opinion on our precious hobby. The ban has now been lifted due to Nintendo's "EXPANDING THE MARKET" strategy and everybody loving gaming again.

Although this may seem good news for all the Chris Evans' in the world, where will it end? Is Nintendo's strategy a 'good' thing? Who knows what we'll see next, maybe next year even Muslims will be playing games!!!*


*Just kidding, of course they'll never allow Muslims to play games!

Stupid Man Breaks Own Telly

In what can only be assumed to be a revenge attack for this weeks earlier outburst, a man has hit back at Nintendo by buying a Wii, playing on the Wii's obviously fantastic games and obviously having much more fun than if he were playing, say, a Playstation 3, by cutting the cord of his Wiimote and smashing up his telly with a hammer to make it look like Nintendo are somehow at fault for manufacturing an assumedly inferior product. We assume. Which is funny because everyone knows everything made by Sony always breaks after six months.

Well, it's either that or he's an incredibly stupid, ham fisted, neandertal of a man who went into a rage about not winning at a video game. Lets all just point and laugh.

Welcome To Next Generation Gaming

"I saw a video of the new Tony Hawks on the PS3 and it looked well good. 'Cause the controller's motion sensitive and stuff, all you have to do is *makes upward flicking motion with hands* to ollie and shit."

Survival Horror Classic Gets Rubbish Remake

No, we don't mean you'll be wandering around YET ANOTHER incrementally different Resident Evil 1 mansion.

Alone In The Dark? Load of crap. (Well, never played, but it looks shit)

We're talking about the daddy of the survival horror here. A game where the unexpecting player was plunged into a nightmare world where reality and fear incarnate became one. A game where paranoia was tangible, and a quick death was preferable to enduring the excrutiating madness. A game that GENUINELY triggered incontinence in some of its players, thus providing lazy game journalists with a throwaway line with which to pad out every preview of every horror game since. Yes, we're talking about...

AAAAAAAAAGH!!! DON'T LOOK IN THE FUCKING CAULDRON! NO!!!

Brace yourselves, here are the screenshots of the remake of the seminal Granny's Garden. It's newer, so by definition it's pish.

Oh GOD. Nice fancy-pants CG, you sell-outs. Guess where the budget went for THIS game.

It started off deceptively easy. I mean, who lives in a house with "FIG" written across it? A complete frothing psycho, that's who.

And then, if you went up the stairs, a fucking SNAKE would rip you to shreds. Well, they actually left that bit to the imagination, but it was scarier that way.

In fact, the only thing more terrifying than Granny's Garden was the horrible, unearthly banshee shriek of the BBC Micro's dot-matrix printer. Brrr.

Summary

On balance, it seems the Granny's Garden remake contains enough fire, vicious animals, and diabolic old women to mentally scar another generation of 6-year olds - success! Best survival horror game ever! 9/10

Link - http://www.4mation.co.uk/cat/granny.html (rated 18+, NSFW)

Gamers love terrorists

Now even Republican Party mouthpiece Bill O'Reilly (who hosts a show on the completely impartial Fox News called 'No Spin Zone', which sounds like it should be a Sonic level) is having a crack at videogames. In a recent radio broadcast he had some rather unkind words to say about games and the pathetic loners that play them.

"Basically what you have is a large portion of the population, mostly younger people under the age of 45, who don’t deal with reality - ever. So they don’t know what day it is; they don’t know temperature it is; they don’t know what their neighbor looks like. They don’t know anything… because they are constantly diverted by a machine. Now what this does is it takes a person away from reality because they’ve created their own reality…"

You are so wrong, Bill. The day is two days after the launch of the PS3, my neighbours are cunts and I don't need to know what the temperature is, just whether it's hot, cold or pissing with rain. If you don't stop saying nasty things about games I'm going to fly my airship to your house, hide in your plumbing, then leap out and jump on your head until I level up.

Bill also has his own unique twist on the subject of videogame violence:

I really fear for the United States because, believe me, the jihadists? They’re not playing the video games. They’re killing real people over there.

So if I play games, I'm not only being trained to kill but I'm actually helping terrorists by...um...not joining the army where they'll train me to kill brown people?

Further insights into the twisted brain-wrongs of an ultra right-wing conservative technophobe can be found on GamePolitics.com, including his rants against the PS3 and iPod. Or you can pay to download a "podcast" from his "web site" using your computer machine then listen to it on your musical playing device, you terrorist-loving, America-hating scumfuck. While you're there don't forget to take the test on his site to determine whether you're a 'culture warrior' (flag-waving red-blooded American) or a secular-progressive (liberal commie faggot).

The Two Biggest Lies They Ever Told Us

1) That the bullying would stop when you left school. 2) That the bullying would stop when the Dreamcast died. Still, at this time when the Sonic review scores are stinking the fridge out and Phantasy Star Universe is taking a fairly steady hammering in the press despite almost unanimous user reviews of 8/10 and above, let's take time out to pay tribute to one man. A man of integrity. A voice of sense in amongst all the quibbling and backbiting. I refer to Ben Turner of Gamespy.

"I got tired of level grinding in Final Fantasy, and I'll get tired of it in this," says Ben of PSU. "Maybe it'll be worth coming back to when there's more content. Two out of five." Herr Turner, we veterans and conisseurs of inane, spiteful whining salute you. Marking a Sega game down based on what it might be like in the future is old hat, but you sir have raised the bar for all of us by tearing one to pieces based on how you DON'T feel about it yet. We can only lower our eyes in awe.

Ben concludes the review by admitting that he and his friends don't even bother with the gameplay - "We just party it up to voice chat, and that says it all really, doesn't it?" Well said. We submit that a grown man using the phrase "Party it up to voice chat" ENTIRELY WITHOUT IRONY to describe XB Live does indeed tell you everything you need to know about them.

Microsoft Continues to Spend on Adverts

After the revelation that Microsoft spent £500k on adverts in the Metro newspaper it has now come to our attention that they plan to keep their finger on the gamer's pulse by doing the same next month in the popular daily newspaper the Daily Mail.


We can exclusively reveal the cover right now though thanks to a mole in the "Industry"!

Gears of War is really, really hard

So, I started Gears of War yesterday. I put it on Hardcore thinking "Hmm, Casual's probably easy, so this must be Normal." If this is normal, Insane's going to kill me. Everything takes about a million hits to die (ACTUAL FACTUAL NUMBER!) and there's absolutely no ammo (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!) and everything's just really stupidly hard.

If anyone has any tips that aren't "Be less shit", please let me know.

Princess Rinko's Steady Descent Into Porn, Day 1

No camel toe yet, but definite sighting of near-labia-majora meat. Don't worry, we'll be here to report when she runs out of money for corrective contact lenses. You can run, Warlock, but you can't hide. Soon you will slip, then I will have you.

Hope is in sight!

Two long dead consoles get another shot in the arm thanks to an "independent developer" (2 brothers) and their exciting new release! (Another bloody shoot em up)

The misleadingly named LAST HOPE blasts off on the Dreamcast and Neo-Geo CD sometime in December. We gave up all hope for both formats ages ago.
More info on their site HERE!

While you're there, check out their handy FAQ where they will answer such helpful questions as:

* Does the Dreamcast version will offer Plug & Play?

Yes. The game will be playable without any additions, just like every original Dreamcast game.

* Packaging?

- Offset printed traycard.
- Offset printed booklet.
- Jewel Case.

PS3 Kicks Arse!!

Wow! Look at that distinct visual style! That's our Sony, breaking the mould again and proving that a marriage of tried-and-tested gameplay and a unique "art house" aesthetic really can be a match made in heaven. In many ways this is reminiscent of the CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED Ico, Wanda and The Colussus, and God of War. The intentionally vague and monochrome detailing acts almost as a metaphor for life itself and is a cheeky existential wink to the observant gamer. Truly a driving game that is set apart from the mundane, hackneyed theme of "whole cars" driving on "coherent" (whatever that means) landscapes. A triumphant return to form for Sony! 10/10

Why Have You Foresaken Us, Nintendo?

For the past 30 years, we've done what you've told us. Eaten that pizza, piled on that extra meatball, spent time by ourselves in dark caves. After all, the goal was to get nice and plumpy. Then we could look forward to a moderately lucrative job as a plumber and come home to a nice blond woman.

And this is what you do to us? They're even laughing at us in the game stores, "of course you have to stand up to play it!"

You made us into antisocial, morbidly obese men dwelling in dark rooms and sitting frozen for hours on end. And we made you, Nintendo.

Something this shit could only come from...

AMERICA!

It's the big giant out for over a year and still full of bugs xbox 360! Buying a 360 because the PS3 isn't available is like turning gay because you went to an all male school... just wait a little bit and you'll have another choice that doesn't hurt your ass hole as much. Anyway only geeks, goths and Americans buy 360s you know!

Other shit things from America include:

• AIDS


• EA Games


• Captain Jack


• Rap metal


• Paedophiles

Just say no.

Goodbye Sega's Rose, Though We Never Knew You At All

We did a Google image search for "Princess Rinko," the beautiful boz-eyed face of Sega Ages this morning. We got one result. One.



It was from a Japanese man who saw this postcard-sized publicity photo of her shilling business suits on the counter of a fashion chain, took a picture of it with his mobile phone and posted it to his blog about his pet degu with the caption "LOOK! IT'S PRINCESS RINKO! HEART HEART HEART HEART HEART"

The picture was directly beneath a photograph of a horse pulling half a car with a man sitting in it, which he had ALSO captioned "PRINCESS RINKO HEART HEART HEART HEART HEART," which potentially makes him a more bizarre sex case than all the IGN writers put together. Furthermore, there was a hyperlink to the web page of the clothes store in which he took the picture.



Look at that. Stare at it long and hard. That is the last official picture of the girl from the Sega Joy Planet that a GIS for "Princess Rinko" will ever produce. Even Sega have taken her pictures off their website.

That's fucking horrible enough by itself, but its compounded for us Sega fans. This is our epiphany. We are Rose, and we are meeting our Sarah Jane. Today we have money that Sega wants and everything is peaches and cream, but one day we'll be out the TARDIS door along with the used condoms and the unplayed copy of Locoroco.



This throws up three possible scenarios that we must address.

1) Rinko is currently sobbing her heart out in a Tokyo bedsit dreaming of the glory days and lamenting the fact that that now she is older than 23, no man will ever want to marry her. Rinko, if you are reading this, WE STILL WANT YOU. Although obviously there will now be added pressure for you to wear that thing we sent you.

2) Sega now have half a warehouse of unwanted pictures of Rinko wearing French maid gear. Sega, if you're reading this, turn off the pulping mills. We'll have them.

3) Rinko is one gas bill away from hardcore. If anyone can confirm this, we want full sets and no fucking thumbnails.


Apropos of nothing, the degu's name is Elena and it's purportedly doing fine. We hope he didn't name it after Elena from DoA, or we fear for its safety.

Sexy Beach 3 expansion.

The 3D Hentai game that's a bit like Dead or Alive Extreme but without that annoying Volleyball minigame, Sexy Beach 3 recieved a bonus in the shape of a new character! With blue hair and everything!

Made popular by bittorrent, Sexy Beach is famed for its awkward, mechanical sex scenes which are depressingly all too familiar to anyone who's been in a relationship for more than 6 months.

GOW early, and PS3 fallout

I somehow managed to score a free copy of Gears of War this tuesday. Well it isn’t exactly MY copy, but it may as well be.

So what do i think? Lets see here..

Graphics: 9.9/10 - Outstandingly done, and it shows that the ‘chunky’ models and lighting can be done well ( Doom 3 serves as a bad example of such a style).

Sound: 9.5 - Stunningly deep sound effects, most of which really strike you for the right reasons. There were a few very odd effects put in, like what can only be described as a ‘cartoon apple bite’ when the little light hating birdie thingos bite you.

Gameplay: 9 - This is high because of the lovely contextual controls. It isn’t a 10 because hiding behind things for hours on end makes me feel like a pussy.

Conclusion: Buy this game, but dont expect it to be a drawn out masterpiece. It breaks a butload of barriers with its online co-op and stunning graphics & physics, but this is a showpiece, not a masterpiece.

As for the PS3… WoW was that response muted! Most online publications have been discussing the subsequent auctions, which is probably quite appropriate if you consider that nearly 15,000 PS3 consoles were sold without a game.

Everyone else has been discussing Sony’s online network, and sheepishly avoiding the fact that all the games on the console are shit. There has also been word of defects both in software and hardware, but to be quite honest if there were any serious issues the backlash would be massive by now. No one shells out that much money and then stays silent as their £500 baby melts to their TV stand.

I do realize the PS3 doesn’t cost £500 in Japan, it only costs around £200. *cough*

Joe Public plays Wii. Likes it.

So today I got to play the Wii for the first time and I'd be lying if I said it's not the greatest thing ever. So I won't. It's the greatest thing ever. Here's some pictures.

This is another pic of a Wii like what you'll have seen all over the internet. Difference being, I took this one so it has extra weight. Notice the shit rose wallpaper, obviously meant to make the Wii look even better.

This picture highlights two things. First of all, an authentic oriental person playing the Wii, for authentic oriental link. Secondly, see that woman on the left? She's the Birmingham equivalent of a 'Booth Babe'. A middle-aged spinster (presumably) doing promotional work for a product she doesn't know how to use so she can fund surgery to stop everything 'going south'. They knew nothing. They read off shit little cards around their necks. Promotional people are shit.

These are chavs playing the Wii. They actually liked it, which means Nintendo are stealing people away from the 50-cent generation. Which I suppose is a good thing. Notice again the shit promotional person on the left, this time from an ethnic minority of some sort to aid 'equality' or whatever.

This is Zelda running on a Wii. Notice how they've tried to make a really bad 'homely' setting for it, all the time forgetting that most people will be playing this in a dark bedroom, possibly with snacks. Stage setup people are shit.

There are some other pictures of Wiimotes and things, but they're a bit pointless really. All in all, the Wii is great. If you haven't played one, you don't get to comment on how good it is (or isn't).

MAN BIDS £155 FOR 'P!NK UMD'

Yes.

In what will probably go down in history as the most ridiculous bidding frenzy of all time, a desperate bidder has placed one hundred and fifty five pounds sterling on the table to try and secure a copy of the 'extremely rare & difficult to get hold of' limited edition UMD.



One can only assume that the bidder, (who we see has chosen to keep his user ID private), sat salivating, half-erect cock in hand as he thumbed the number pad, grinning at the thought of an evening in with his purchase.

Watch the madness unfold here.

Adam Doree Cuntometer

Our own IGN scientists have discovered something that will ROCK the gaming world forever. The chance of there being a Shenmue 3 is DIRECTLY proportionate to how much of a cunt Adam Doree is.

It's true.

He loves publishing Shenmue 3 "exclusives" but there's still been no hint of any kind of official announcement about the game. Right now Shenmue 3 is looking rather unlikely. It also happens that right now Adam Doree seems to be 90% cunt! Coincidence? Definitely not.

Back at the beginning of the year our cuntometer detected him being only 5% cunt. This just so happened to be at the time he was drumming up excitement for a SUPER REVEALING SHENMUE 3 INFO PACKED interview with Yu Suzuki. After the interview was published his cuntometer rating leapt up to 60%!

So, we have deduced that when Adam Doree's cuntometer rating reaches 0% then THAT is when Shenmue 3 will be officially announced!

We're certainly very excited about this find and will be keeping a close eye on our cuntometer in the near future.

Halo 3 screenshot underlines PS3's pointlessness

Look at this picture.Click this picture and look at a bigger version of this picture. This picture is a screenshot. This screenshot is apparently from a beta version of Halo 3, ingame. This screenshot is in a rather high resolution and is actually quite impressive. Just look at all that lighty graphicky effect stuff going on (I admit I know nothing about bump-mapping texturised wankathons, or something). This is a lot better than the PS3.

I'm not a particularly big fan of Halo, but I'd play this because it LOOKS NICER THAN PS3 and then I could go up to people who've bought a PS3 and say "LOOK! THIS LOOKS BETTER THAN YOUR GENJI AND YOUR GIANT CRABS! LOLOLOLOLZ!" and then they'd probably punch me in the face but I'd feel quite good about it for about five seconds.

Thanks Bungie. You're about to get me beaten up.