Why Have You Foresaken Us, Nintendo?

For the past 30 years, we've done what you've told us. Eaten that pizza, piled on that extra meatball, spent time by ourselves in dark caves. After all, the goal was to get nice and plumpy. Then we could look forward to a moderately lucrative job as a plumber and come home to a nice blond woman.

And this is what you do to us? They're even laughing at us in the game stores, "of course you have to stand up to play it!"

You made us into antisocial, morbidly obese men dwelling in dark rooms and sitting frozen for hours on end. And we made you, Nintendo.