Swallow it ALL, bitch. I don't care if you don't like the taste. Paying ten quid for Congo Bongo didn't leave a nice taste in my mouth, either. I see ONE FUCKING DROP on your chin and I'm putting the clips back on.
It's no good. I can't keep up. I've done the maths on how many orgasms this whore owes us for persuading us to spend money on the Sega Ages series, and it's hopeless. The entire population of Cardiff would have to do an armbreaker over this picture for a whole fifty seven minutes just to make up for Sega System 16 Collection ALONE. If you have a heart, PLEASE SEXUALLY DEFILE THIS GIRL'S IMAGE NOW or I'm going to end up with a right arm comedically huger than the other that can punch through walls like Mean Angel out of Judge Dredd.
Which, now I've given it some thought, would actually be really cool.
No camel toe yet, but definite sighting of near-labia-majora meat. Don't worry, we'll be here to report when she runs out of money for corrective contact lenses. You can run, Warlock, but you can't hide. Soon you will slip, then I will have you.
We did a Google image search for "Princess Rinko," the beautiful boz-eyed face of Sega Ages this morning. We got one result. One.
It was from a Japanese man who saw this postcard-sized publicity photo of her shilling business suits on the counter of a fashion chain, took a picture of it with his mobile phone and posted it to his blog about his pet degu with the caption "LOOK! IT'S PRINCESS RINKO! HEART HEART HEART HEART HEART"
The picture was directly beneath a photograph of a horse pulling half a car with a man sitting in it, which he had ALSO captioned "PRINCESS RINKO HEART HEART HEART HEART HEART," which potentially makes him a more bizarre sex case than all the IGN writers put together. Furthermore, there was a hyperlink to the web page of the clothes store in which he took the picture.
Look at that. Stare at it long and hard. That is the last official picture of the girl from the Sega Joy Planet that a GIS for "Princess Rinko" will ever produce. Even Sega have taken her pictures off their website.
That's fucking horrible enough by itself, but its compounded for us Sega fans. This is our epiphany. We are Rose, and we are meeting our Sarah Jane. Today we have money that Sega wants and everything is peaches and cream, but one day we'll be out the TARDIS door along with the used condoms and the unplayed copy of Locoroco.
This throws up three possible scenarios that we must address.
1) Rinko is currently sobbing her heart out in a Tokyo bedsit dreaming of the glory days and lamenting the fact that that now she is older than 23, no man will ever want to marry her. Rinko, if you are reading this, WE STILL WANT YOU. Although obviously there will now be added pressure for you to wear that thing we sent you.
2) Sega now have half a warehouse of unwanted pictures of Rinko wearing French maid gear. Sega, if you're reading this, turn off the pulping mills. We'll have them.
3) Rinko is one gas bill away from hardcore. If anyone can confirm this, we want full sets and no fucking thumbnails.
Apropos of nothing, the degu's name is Elena and it's purportedly doing fine. We hope he didn't name it after Elena from DoA, or we fear for its safety.
